


should have told you

by melanoradrood



Series: Universes Made Just For You And I [9]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Ficlet Collection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-24 13:56:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15632052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melanoradrood/pseuds/melanoradrood
Summary: i should have told you, before it was too late.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stars_of_Kyber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stars_of_Kyber/gifts).



> AU: Canon Compliant Post Scarif  
> Word Count: 917  
> Rating: Teen  
> Warnings: Lowkey Angst  
> Prompt: dialogue: I should have told you a long time ago., You’re in love with her, Sometimes, being a complete nerd comes in handy, by stars-of-kyber and anonymous.

Cassian doesn’t know as much about breaking in and out of cells as Jyn does, but he thinks he knows enough to know this is a bad idea. “Stop worrying, Cassian. In and out. Simple.”

Except nothing is ever simple when it comes to them. For one thing, their missions are always harder and harder than the one before. That’s just who they are, what they do, and most of the time, Jyn only comes along for the ride itself, and just in case he needs a quick escape she can start up the ship, but for the most part, he still works alone.

His covers are all single men, so he can’t just have her with him, but on planets where he’s just a face in the crowd, she comes along, because a single man can mean trouble, but a lovesick couple clinging to one another… no one even notices.

This isn’t simple, though, because for the first time since Scarif, this isn’t his mission. This is her mission. He’s just the pilot, and the backup. This is about Jyn, all about Jyn, and he-

He doesn’t like it, doesn’t like the look of it when her fingers move to unlock the door. She’s good, though, and he’s watching as she carefully turns off the security alarm, which means in and out no detection, and the secondary alarm. 

“Sometimes, being a complete nerd comes in handy,” she says with a grin, and he forces himself to smile, to respond to her jest, but he’s too tense, watching her fingers slide over the screen, finally unlocking the door, and when it pops open, he waits for something to happen.

He shouldn’t have waited, should have been the first one in, because then he would have been the one shot by the blaster.

* * *

Cassian hasn’t stopped to think, hasn’t stopped to breathe, not since he saw that shot taken, straight at Jyn. He had grabbed the end of the blaster, and it had nearly burned his hand, but he had still acted without thinking, shoving the trooper backwards, and moving like he knew what he was actually doing. It had only been two armed guards, taken out with ease, and then, he had forgot the entire reason they were there - the data they had been after, it wasn’t important. 

Not when Jyn had been shot.

The wound is… it’s bad. Not bad enough that he’s going to start confessing his love for her in the middle of an Imperial controlled planet, but bad enough that he’s actually scared he’s going to lose her. A complete stroke of luck hits them, because he’s able to scoop her up and run back the way they came, and there’s no one, they hit no one and nothing, running back out into the street.

It’s the middle of the night, and he just has to get them to their ship, which is easy, given that they were stealing data from the control tower. Unfortunately, flying off without getting clearance to do so would mean this entire ship, and their identities, are absolute bust if they just leave, so he has to sit there and wait, wait while he asks for clearance - they’re given it, and he doesn’t think, doesn’t breathe, as he takes the ship into atmo, hits the hyperdrive, and flies them straight back to Yavin.

She’s not complaining, and that’s what scares him most, because she should be complaining, should be saying nothing, but instead, Jyn is sitting half hunched on one of the chairs, one hand gripping onto the strap to keep herself upright, the other hand pressing a shirt into her side.

She’s so white, skin pale, sweat dripping down her brow, he would probably make a joke otherwise, but she looks close to death, and he feels it, stumbling back towards her as he sets autopilot on.

“Don’t touch it,” she says through gripped teeth, and yeah, it’s bad, it’s real bad if she won’t even let it look. “Medical… medical will…”

They’re not the sort of people that go to medical, especially after Scarif, so yeah, Cassian is scared now.

“Something for the pain? Gotta at least clean it. Maybe a booster?”

“Don’t touch it,” she says again, and he runs a hand up into her hair, brushing the strands off her forehead. “Nothing for the pain. Pain is good.”

He knows what she means. It means that she’s still alive. If she takes something for the pain, she might not wake up. 

It’s a long flight back to Base, a whole three hours, and she’s quiet the whole time, and he’s praying that this isn’t it, because he isn’t ready, because he can’t follow after her if he loses her.

* * *

He comms it in as soon as they’re in range, letting them know that Jyn has been shot, that she needs medical assistance, that Jyn… Jyn’s deathly quiet, and he looks back to see that she’s clinging to consciousness. It strikes him, suddenly, how badly they handled this. They should have cleaned the wound, she should have been laying down, he should have done something to make this better.

Medical may kill him for it, but he’ll already be too pissed at himself to care. He should have taken better care of her, should have been the first through the door, he should have - he should have told her, should have told her, a very long time ago, that he was in love with her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU: Canon Compliant Post Scarif  
> Word Count: 1424  
> Rating: Teen  
> Warnings: Lowkey Angst + Fluff  
> Follow Up Request : HOW FUCKING DARE

The ship hits the ground, and he doesn’t even try to begin shutdown procedure. The door is half opened when he scoops her up, and Jyn lets out a soft cry, a good sign because that means she’s still alive, still with him, at least for the moment. He’s jumping out into the hanger before the ramp has even begun to extend, and he sees two docs standing there waiting with a bed, but he doesn’t have time for that.

She’s dying in his arms. He can feel it. Can feel her fading.

Every step to the medical wing aches, aches his bum leg from Scarif, his injured back as well, and he swears to the Force that if she lives, he’ll never let her go on another mission out there again, that he’ll give her what the Alliance had promised her so long ago, that he’ll give her a fresh start, somewhere the empire couldn’t touch.

He’ll give her that.

She never should have accepted that msision, never should have been on that ship, and he knows that Jyn doesn’t like decisions taken from her, will never turn down a request when asked, but she had done enough, had paid enough of herself. She didn’t owe the Rebellion anything, and now, it might cost her her life.

And Cassian… Cassian had paid as well, had paid time and again, and he continued to pay for it on Scarif, on every mission that he took another life, all because he was ordered, but… they couldn’t take this one. They can’t take Jyn from him as well. He isn’t strong enough for that.

He isn’t strong enough to lose her, can’t face a galaxy that doesn’t have her in it. He can’t face a future that doesn’t have her out there, doesn’t have her just living.

When they take her from his arms, he cries, cries as he watches her disappear, and when General Draven walks in to ask for a mission report, Cassian pushes him.

He doesn’t even feel his hand throbbing, doesn’t even notice when they try to restrain him, doesn’t even see when the General waves him off - he has never in his career struck a superior officer, has never failed to give a mission update. The only times he has ever broken orders, they were always for her, because of her.

It shouldn’t be a question, now, as to why he responds the way he does… and so he’s left alone, left to wait, left to hear that she is no longer with him in this life.

He prays, prays to the Force, prays to the Gods of every planet he has every visited, prays that something, someone out there, hears him and listens. He needs her, can’t do this without her. He needs her smile, needs - he needs to get her away from this, away from this fight.

If the Force will just keep her alive, he’ll give her up, but losing Jyn, knowing Jyn isn’t alive… he draws his strength from her. He can’t keep fighting any longer if she’s gone. Can’t keep… lying to himself.

She’s the only truth he has, the way he feels for her the only decent and pure things he has left. If he loses Jyn, he loses himself.

He sits there and waits for someone to tell him if she’s alive or dead.

Waits until the early morning, when a medical droid finally comes and finds him.

* * *

“I love you.”

He whispers it again, whispers it against her cold hand, and he cries, cries as the tears run down his face, down over his knuckles, and he cries as they bring in the blankets, warming her back up. Being submerged in a bacta tank, it can lower the body temp, but they tell him not to worry, despite how cold she is now to the touch. According to them, she’s… she’s going to be okay.

Her eyes aren’t open, though, and he still… until he sees her open her eyes, until she says his name, he can’t believe she’s really still alive.

“Please, just open your eyes,” he begs, and he kisses her knuckles. They said she was fine, insisted she would wake up soon… but he had been allowed back ten minutes ago, and that was ten minutes of waiting, of waiting for her eyes to open.

They say she’ll be okay, but he knows that sometimes… that sometimes, strange things happen after surgery, after a bacta treatment. Even if the body is healed, the mind… They say if there isn’t enough fight…

Jyn has so much fight in her, so much, but then why isn’t she awake? Why isn’t she awake with him, telling him to stop worrying about her?

“I should have told you sooner,” he gasps out, and it’s just them, now, Jyn covered in layers of warming blankets, waiting for her to awaken. “I should have told you how much I love you, how I need you. You’re my hope, Jyn. All of my strength. I can’t fight without you. I can’t… I need you. I need you to stay with me, please. Please just… just open your eyes for me.”

He cries until he can’t cry anymore, and then he falls asleep, still holding her hand.

* * *

 When he wakes up, there is a pair of green eyes looking at him, with a smile on her lips.

“There you are. I thought you would never wake up.”

His hand is still holding hers, and he doesn’t let go, blinks twice before sitting up, looking at her. She looks better, more color in her cheeks, and when he looks her over again, he can see the dark circles under her eyes have faded, like she slept well.

“You’re awake,” he breathed out, and she smiles in response.

“I’ve been awake.”

He doesn’t pull away, doesn’t move closer, just looks at her. Force, he had thought…. He had thought he might never get to look into those eyes again.

“You can’t do that to me,” he insists, and she blinks at him, a smile curling over her lips for a moment.

“What, almost die?” she teases, and he can’t stand it.

Cassian stands up suddenly, and sits down on the edge of the bed, still holding her hand. His free fingers reach up, touching under her chin, and he lifts her eyes up towards his, making her unable to look away unless she jerks from his touch.

“You can’t leave me,” he insists, and it isn’t a request. He needs her.

“Why?” she asks, and there’s an innocence, a vulnerability, but - she had asked.

“I need you,” he says honestly. “I need you to still be alive, whether it’s here or across the galaxy, but I need… I love you.”

She sucks in a breath, and he waits, waits for something. He doesn’t need her to say she loves him back, doesn’t even really need her to feel anything for him, but he needs her to just admit she heard what he said.

“Was I that close to death?” she asks, and he… he blinks, not sure how to respond.

“I - what?”

“All this time, you’re finally admitting to loving me?” she asks, and he…

He doesn’t know what to say.

“Why do you sound like you already know?”

She smiles, and he loves that smile, loves the way she looks at him, and maybe… maybe she already did know.

“I had my suspicions,” she teases, and her fingers tighten around his.

“And you didn’t tell me?” he asks, and she shakes her head.

“I figured you would tell me one day,” she murmurs, and he realizes, suddenly, that he has leaned in towards her.

“And what if you had died?” he asks, and she-

Force help him, she laughs.

“I’m too stubborn to die, and so are you,” she insists.

He isn’t sure how he feels about that, but she has faith in that, and her faith is enough for him.

“Can I kiss you now?” he asks, and they’re so close, their lips are touching.

“Well, I almost died-” she teases, and he almost pulls away, but then her hand is in his shirt, tugging him closer.

When the monitors start beeping loudly, Cassian ignores them, until a medical droid rolls in and tells them off… and if he still has to almost be zapped to stop kissing Jyn, well who can blame him? He has wasted enough time… and he won’t waste another second not kissing her.

 


End file.
